


Back-Asswards

by whittler_of_words



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Illustrated, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Minor Injuries, OC death, Oppositestuck, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-01-27 20:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1721204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whittler_of_words/pseuds/whittler_of_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chipper-as-always Karkat Vantas is happy for all the wrong reasons,  and Gamzee Makara is left to clean up his mess once again.</p>
<p>Welcome to Oppositestuck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Back-Asswards

**Author's Note:**

> yeah
> 
> just
> 
> ...yeah.

\-- carefreeGuillotine [CG] began pestering thoughtfulCaricature [TC] \--

CG: GAMZEE.  
CG: GAMZEE.  
CG: GAMZEE.   
CG: I NEED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.  
CG: IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION.  
CG: YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!  
TC: ...  
CG: HI BEST FRIEND HOW ARE YOU????  
TC: Hello, Karkat.  
TC: I’m doing well thank you for asking.  
CG: YAY!  
TC: I suppose this is where I ask how you’re doing.  
CG: YES YOU GOT IT!  
TC: Let me guess.  
TC: You’re doing great.  
TC: One might go so far as to say “perfect”, even. Possibly even “fantastic”.  
TC: I trust you’re as chipper as always.  
CG: C:B!!!!!!!!!!!  
CG: YOU KNOW ME SO WELL!  
CG: THIS IS WHY YOU’RE THE BESTEST FRIEND *EVER*.  
TC: Karkat, no.  
CG: KARKAT YES!  
TC: :/  
CG: DON’T LOOK SO DOWN! THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON AROUND US RIGHT NOW!!  
TC: Like what, Karkat.  
CG: LIKE  
CG: LIKE THE MOONS! AREN’T THEY PRETTY?  
CG: AND I JUST BAKED SOME MORE CUPCAKES!!! CUPCAKES ARE GREAT.  
CG: AND WE CAN’T FORGET THE MOST IMPORTANT THING OF ALL!  
CG: SAY IT WITH ME!!!  
TC: Do I have to?  
CG: YES, SILLY!  
TC: ...Fine.  
CG: THERE’S NOTHING BETTER THAN FRIENDSHIP!!  
TC: There’s nothing better than friendship.  
TC: There, I said it.  
TC: Could you leave, now? I was just about to start a new book and it’s rather difficult.  
CG: DIFFICULT? FOR YOU?!  
TC: It’s not something I’d really expect you to understand. It’s very high level.  
CG: OH. ALRIGHT!  
CG: I WILL LEAVE YOU TO THAT THEN, BEST FRIEND.  
TC: Thank you Karkat.  
TC: Remember to not talk to any suspicious trolls or engage in any illegal activities.  
TC: Don’t do drugs.  
CG: I WILL!  
TC: What.  
CG: I MEAN I WON’T DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS! CXB  
TC: Oh. You startled me for a second.  
CG: HAHA.  
CG: SEE YOU LATER FRIEND!!!!!!  
TC: Goodbye Karkat.

\-- thoughtfulCaricature [TC] ceased pestering carefreeGuillotine [CG] \--

CG: ...  
CG: <>!!

\-- carefreeGuillotine [CG] ceased pestering thoughtfulCaricature [TC] \--

Gamzee Makara is the bestest best friend you could ask for!

Even...if....you maybe want him to be more than that. Which is okay!

It’s just kind of hard because he is so smart and better than everyone (even you, which is definitely a huge feat to manage) in every possible way, and sometimes it feels like he barely even knows you exist. Sometimes you feel like you annoy him. Sometimes you feel like he hates you.

But that’s okay, because you just made cupcakes!!!

You love making cupcakes. You love to bake. Sweets is always the thing that seems to put a smile on people’s faces, without fail. Uuuuunless they have an allergy or something. In which case, oh well, sucks for them!! More cupcakes for you and everyone else who isn’t so weak they die because their body is weird.

You pack up the cupcakes -- careful, still hot, woops! -- and hold the bag carefully in your arms, stepping outside of your hive. 

Time for the weekly rounds! How exciting.

Tertai’s hive first, like always. She’s already at the door, waiting for you.

“That time of the week again, eh?” she asks, only sounding a little gruff this time. You offer her one of your smiles, and one of her eyes twitches.

“You got it! I hope you’re doing well!” You reach into the bag and pull out a cupcake, handing it to her. You notice as she reaches for it that there are some bruises on her arm, faintly brown splotches under her skin. There are some bags under her eyes, too. Training, maybe? A quick sweep of the inside of her hive reveals it to be slightly off, and you realize why. No white lump glaring at you quietly from the corner. Huh.

This is certainly interesting. Why not test this out?

“Have another one,” you offer, “for Lizardmom!”

Her fingers twitch, her shoulders hunching slightly, and you can’t help but smile a little wider.

Oho. Lizardmom is dead. How wonderful!

“No,” she says quickly, “now leave.”

“Haha, okay!” You wave, and turn. “See you next week, Tertai!”

You hum in satisfaction as you hear the door closing behind you. Now for Jonqin!

He only opens the door a little. Just like every time. Oh, little Jonqin. When will he learn?

“Hello!” You say, and he winces. “I’ve brought another cupcake for you, friend!” You hold one out, just a few inches from the door, and you hear a small noise from behind it.

“Okay...”

He reaches out to take it, but you pull it back, just a little, and ask, “And what do you say to a friend nice enough to do something like this for you?”

His hand flinches back, and he whimpers a little more audibly, probably because of how many teeth he can see you’re showing with your smile.

“Th-thank you--”

_“Thank you...?”_

“Thank you... friend?”

“That’s the spirit!” You hold out the cupcake again, and he snatches it quickly. You laugh. “See you next week, Jonqin!”

He doesn’t respond, but that is okay. He’ll learn manners eventually. Or you’ll teach him. Same thing! 

You make the rest of your rounds without event. Taking stock of your neighbor’s individual situations, seeing how you can use said circumstances to your advantage. The usual. Oh, the blackmail you’ve gained over the sweeps! 

There is just one last hive, though.

This one always proves to be the most interesting.

“Hello, Certia! How are you tonight?”

“Scum,” she returns, and you grin in the face of her sneer. “Get the fuck off of my hivestep, you disgusting hemoanon.”

“In a minute. I brought you your cupcake!” You demonstrate by holding it out for her. She makes a disgusted face.

“After you’ve gotten your filthy little paws all over it? No fucking way. I would rather eat _shit_.”

_You mean the stuff that’s already coming out of your mouth?_ You don’t say that, though. That would be mean. 

“Come on, Certia! After I worked so hard to--”

“I said _get the fuck away_ ,” she snarls, “before I cull your annoying cheerful little ass. You’re lucky you haven’t gotten culled already, showing up at random decent troll’s hivesteps just to give them, what, stupid fucking _cupcakes_ that taste like Her Imperious Condescension herself just shat into a baking pan and called it a confectionery sponge? Nice fucking try!”

You take a deep breath.

“My cupcakes don’t taste anything like-- _that_ , silly,” you say, and you smile. “I know for a fact that they taste wonderful.”

She grins, and leans down a little bit, leaning toward your face. She whispers, “They are the foulest things to have ever had the privilege of gracing my tongue.”

“You’re going to want to take that back,” you say, as sweetly and quietly as you can. Certia grins like she’s discovered something wonderful, and it would make you happy if you didn’t know what she was actually smiling about. “You really really will!”

Even more quietly, more challengingly, she says, “Those things you try to pass off as baked confectionery sponges absolutely _disgust m--!”_

She cuts off. Understandable, really. Her agonized screeching is also understandable.

“Funny!” you say cheerfully, “How little attention someone can pay to how close my claws get to their eyes!”

You tsk a couple times as she claws at your wrist, drawing blood, and oh look at that, now you’re bleeding! That just won’t do! You dig your claws in a little deeper, drawing another high-pitched scream, and you force her down to her knees as olive blood streams down her face.

A deep satisfaction rises in your gut, turning your vision red, and you grin as she screams, begs for mercy. You laugh. It’s just so, so funny! 

“The punchline,” you explain to her, even though a joke isn’t as good when you have to explain it, “I think I get it now, haha oh man! You were after my spades, weren’t you!”

You nod her head up and down for her, even as she screams “Yes! Yes please stop I’m so- orry please!”

You scratch a line down her throat with a sharp nail on your other hand, drawing more blood, and her whimper, thick with fear and more than a little pain, is sweet sweet music to your ears.

“Oh, Certia,” you say sadly. “You can’t stop me now that I’ve just gotten started! And I was doing so so well lately, too.”

You lose yourself. For a while everything is very, very green.

It’s just so nice to indulge every once in a while.

 

\-- carefreeGuillotine [CG] began pestering thoughtfulCaricature [TC] --

CG: HEY GAMZEE!  
CG: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE STILL BUSY WITH THAT SUPER DUPER HARD BOOK OF YOURS...  
CG: ARE YOU?  
TC: I am almost done with it, yes.  
CG: OH  
CG: YAY!  
TC: I am still not in the mood for company.  
CG: BECAUSE I WAS WONDERING IF  
CG: OH  
CG: OKAY  
CG: I WILL  
CG: i will take care of the rest of this on my own then C:B  
TC: Shit.  
CG: i wonder if i should bake some more cupcakes first???  
TC: Shit.  
CG: and then i can pay jonqin another visit and we can become even better friends!  
TC: Shit.  
CG: i became best friends certia today!  
TC: Fuck.  
CG: i’m going to go bake jonqin a best friend cupcake!  
CG: or maybe even an *entire* cake!  
TC: Karkat.  
CG: and i’ll write the words “best friends!” on it and we can eat it together!  
TC: Karkat.  
CG: yeah! and then we can become the bestest friends to ever friend just like certia and me and everything will be wonderful!!  
TC: KARKAT!  
CG: O:B!  
TC: I want you to go to your hive, and I want you to stay inside, and I do NOT want you baking any more cakes or becoming best friends with any more people. Do you understand.  
CG: .........  
TC: Karkat.   
CG: ....................  
TC: Do. You. Understand?  
CG: yeeees ):B  
TC: Now do as I said immediately. I will be right over.  
CG: oh

\-- thoughtfulCaricature [TC] ceased pestering carefreeGuillotine [CG] \--

CG: o h

\-- carefreeGuillotine [CG] ceased pestering thoughtfulCaricature [TC] \--

You’re waiting for Gamzee in the recreationblock, swinging your legs back and forth as you hum and sit on your couch. You hear your door open, and then you are super excited! Gamzee is here!! 

“Gamzee!” you call out, and you hear his footsteps approach, and when you see him come around the corner, neatly combed hair and spotless clothes and all, you wave and grin cheerily. “Hey best friend!” 

“Oh my god,” he says, and you think some color drains from his face. “That is- that is a lot of blood. On you. On your person.” 

“Me and Certia are best friends now!” you say, and he swallows visibly. You ponder the green crusting on your fingertips, and you feel them itch. Without looking at Gamzee, you say, “Now that you’re here, can we bake Jonqins cake? I want to be best friends with him!” 

“N-no, Karkat, let’s get you--” 

“I _need_ ,” you say, not really meaning to interrupt but this is important, this is very very important, “to be friends, to be best friends with someone. I need to be best friends with everyone. Everyone! I need, I need to, I need to do that now, come on I just need to--” 

You cut off into a splutter as something damp and warm and wet wipes down your face, and you look up to find that it is in fact a rag, attached to an arm, attached to Gamzee, an intense look of concentration on his face. 

“I need...” You trail off. 

“You need to get cleaned up,” he finishes for you. He continues wiping at your face, and you can see the rag becoming stained with more and more green every time. “Before you catch-- _something_ , I don’t even know, you could probably get all manner of diseases with all of this. I swear, how can you even stand the smell...” 

Gamzee rattles on, sounding more like he’s on autopilot than anything else. But as he continues to talk you find yourself focusing less and less on the restlessness in your fingertips, and the blood coating them, and more on the way this is actually kind of... 

Kind of... kind of nice. 

Gamzee pulls the arm of your sweater up to work on your right hand and he sees the scratches there, set in deep and still bleeding a little, and he gasps. “You’re bleeding, someone could have _seen_ you,” he says. “Did someone see you? Has anyone--?” 

“Nope!” You pat his hand reassuringly -- oops, and got green on his hand, sorry about that! -- and shake your head. “I think everyone got scared by all of the screaming so they stayed inside.” 

“Oh.” His shoulders sag a little bit, in relief, you think.”Oh, thank god.” 

“It’s alright,” you reassure him. “Even if someone did see me, that’s okay because I have lots and lots of friends. Have I told you how much I appreciate your companionship, Gamzee?” 

Gamzee gets this weird look on his face for a moment. “Yes,” is all he says, and then “hold on a moment.” He gets up, and leaves, and when he comes back he has a few more rags in a bowl filled with water and he starts on the gashes in your arm. 

“You’re my bestest friend,” you say after a moment, and you laugh when his shoulders stiffen a little. “Even better than Certia, or Miltan or Zeltir or Kitiri or any of the others! You are just. The best.” 

“...So you’ve said.” 

Once he’s done with that, you go change into cleaner, not-bloodstained-clothes, and you come back out of your respiteblock yawning. “I’m beat!” you say, “I think I might go to ‘coon soon! Sleep is important, after all.” 

Gamzee hums in distracted agreement, and when you look closer you see he brought his book in his Sylladex, him reading it now with his reading glasses sitting on his nose. You rest your chin over your arms on the back of the couch behind him, and ask, “Is that the book you were talking about?” 

“Yes,” he says, distracted still, “and it’s still just as difficult, so I would appreciate some quiet.” 

You tilt your head to the side. “Are you staying here for the day then?” 

He sighs impatiently. “That’s what would be implied, wouldn’t it?” 

“Yeah, I guess. Are you gonna sleep dry?” 

“No,” he bites out, a little testily. Does someone need a hug? “I brought my entire recuperacoon with me in my Sylladex. Yes I’m sleeping dry for tonight. You need the slime more than I do.” 

You shrug. “Alright then! I’ll turn in now.” You smile at him, even though he still hasn’t looked away from his book the entire time. “Thanks Gamzee!” 

“Don’t thank me. Just don’t let it happen again.” 

You laugh, promising nothing as you walk back to your respiteblock, and you know Gamzee knows that it will happen again, just like it always does. 

Really, he’s the best friend anyone could ask for. 

**Author's Note:**

> ranty author's note warning
> 
> _oppositestuck_. It was only a matter of time before I got my greedy writer's claws into it. don't even look at me. don't. do not.
> 
> there's reason more than "because it's creepy!" for karkat to be so murder-happy, and yeah. yeah, he disturbs me. Os!KK disturbs me greatly. Os!GZ is awesome. And kind of weird. They're ALL weird don't look at me.
> 
> i rp os!karkat. i just started. it has been an experience, one i have greatly loved so far. and then i realized how kk would basically be NOTICE ME GAMZEE SENPAI~ and i had to write something at least vaguely pale, and then it turned into writing AND (crappily) drawing something that ended up more emotionally manipulative than it did pale. god damn. god motherfucking diddly darn.
> 
> anyway.
> 
> yeah.
> 
> (this isn't based off of shubbabang's thing btw. some things are the same yes but they are overall different.)


End file.
